


gather golden moments

by fuechsli



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Brainwashed Bucky, Healing, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, PTSD, Tony cares, but it's not quite identity porn, identities are an issue, or when you think of them, picks up after CA:TWS, so just tell me, so there's a lot of angst, tony being badass, uhh, will add more tags when i think of them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-27 01:17:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15675096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuechsli/pseuds/fuechsli
Summary: The Asset pullsCaptain AmericaSteve Rogers out of the Potomac.The AssetThe Winter SoldierJames Buchanan Barnes does not know who he is or what is going on.So he goes to the man that seems to know it all — the man that even HYDRA didn’t want on their shit list.Somehow, it doesn’t go as planned.or, where Bucky goes through four identities until he finds back to himself; and becomes a new person along the way. Someone who's more than worth being loved.Not much plot yet, but there’s angst and there will be BAMF Tony in the future, and protective!Bucky, so maybe it isn’t all that bad.





	gather golden moments

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from this text by John Boswell:  
> "winter, a lingering season, is a time to gather golden moments, embark upon a sentimental journey, and enjoy every idle hours."
> 
> The story doesn’t actually have all that much to do with the quote, i just liked the phrase. 
> 
> also, i wrote this instead of sleeping, and it’s beta-ed only by me, so don’t expect too much.  
> i’ve just felt a little deprived of angst in his fandom lately, idk, so… have some more?

The water’s colder than expected.

The Mission is compromised.

The Asset is injured. It counts broken ribs, the fifth and sixth on the right side, a torn hamstring in its right thigh, a broken pinkie, two more dislocated fingers, and at least seven malfunctioning servos, multiple crushed plates in its left arm.

The damage is substantial, requires reparation as soon as possible.

The Asset is still functional.

But.

It cannot account for the damage its mental state has taken. That seems worse. Isn’t as easily treatable. Not when it managed to cause such severe malfunction in the first place.

 

Because the Asset does not fail its missions.

( _There are consequences._ )

It failed this one.

( _And they’re not pretty._ )

Eliminate Steve Rogers. Kill Captain America.

The orders were clear.

 

They were simple.

Simple enough for even the Asset’s limited cognitive ability to comprehend. To memorize and carry out.

 

They should have been clear, should have been simple enough.

 

The Asset was _not_ supposed to pull ~~Captain America~~ ~~Steve Rogers~~ the Mission out of the Potomac.

Was _not_ supposed to hesitate.

 

(“I’m with you till the end of the line, Buck.”)

(“Who the hell is Bucky?”)

 

Was _not_ supposed to listen to the Missions, _never_ ; to _never_ let itself be compromised by words uttered in a Mission’s last moments alive.

Missions are targets. Targets do not matter outside of what the Mission parameters specify.

 

Today, the Asset failed.

 

(“Apparently, there is a first time for everything.”)

 

It should report to its handlers.

( _These voices are not supposed to be in its head_.)

( _There is supposed to be silence_.)

But its handlers are — gone. The ones it last reported to are dead.

( _And even if they weren’t, you can bet your ass that he won’t go looking for them_.)

 

And the Asset, on the other hand, is — alive.

 

(Is it, though?)

(Can a thing be alive? A weapon?)

 

(Is the Asset a weapon? Without someone there to pull its trigger?)

 

The water is cold.

Its wet clothes cling to its skin.

The sensation is … uncomfortable. _Unusual_.

 

There’s sirens in the distance.

Screams.

The roar of a fire.

 

The Asset didn’t manage to put enough distance between the crash site and itself for the sounds to be muted.

Not for the way its hearing works.

Not yet.

 

(“Why can’t you ever run away from danger instead of towards it?”)

(Laughter. A little wheezy, a little pained.)

(“It really wasn’t my fault this time! I could have stood still and they still would’ve found me.”)

(“Yeah, cause you’re a punk who just can’t shut up when you damn well know you should.”)

 

The Asset is experiencing severe malfunctions.

Requires maintenance.

Immediately.

 

There’s a pain in its head that doesn’t stem from an external injury, nor an internal one, and it doesn’t make sense.

The world’s spinning, just a little, but there’s no electricity, no unbearable noise, no coldness. No ice in its veins, no blood in its mouth, no screams ripping themselves from its throat. No Chair.

(It is not supposed to remember.)

(Why does it remember?)

 

_It doesn’t make sense_.

 

Immediate maintenance is not accessible.

That is unfortunate.

The Asset needs a place to hide. Do recon. Try to sort its head out.

The mind games are distracting. The whirling thoughts and voices that don’t belong there. The _emotions_ unfurling in its chest.

The Asset does not know what is going on.

 

(Is this a new method of torture?)

 

It does know, though, that it is in pain.

That it is going on sixty-five hours without sleep.

That personal hygiene is required in order to clean its wounds and avoid infection.

That it needs at least eight hours until its injuries will be all healed up. And that this will only happen if it gets some food to eat, some water to drink.

 

These are facts.

Facts are good.

 

(The Asset does not know when it learned to differentiate between good and bad.)

(Is not sure what to think of that.)

(Is so confused that it manages to _think_ at all.)

 

This won’t work.

Night is falling.

It can make out the stars despite the bright city lights.

Its clothes are dry now.

But it still feels cold.

There’s ice in its heart and blood in its mind and—

 

The Asset feels disoriented.

But it can analyze the situation.

Knows what to do.

Doesn’t know whether it will be able to do it.

 

The Asset is also called the Winter Soldier.

The Winter Soldier is also called James Buchanan Barnes.

James Buchanan Barnes is also called Bucky.

 

The Asset does not like the name Bucky.

The Asset does not like the cold of the night.

 

The stars seem too far away, too close.

 

The Asset — _remembers_.

 

The stars, too close, and so far away.

 

A news report.

“A nuke is headed for New York.”

A flash of red and gold across the sky.

A suicide mission.

 

“Iron Man is alive.”

“Iron Man is a hero.”

_“Iron Man is a threat. Do not engage. Stay away.”_

 

“Tony Stark — the man behind the armor.”

“Tony Stark: More than a Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist? All the Answers And Why That Question Is Frankly Ridiculous.”

_“Tony Stark is a threat. Do not engage unless Mission Parameters state otherwise.”_

 

Older memories then, fragile and faded.

Its own voice, stating _“Mission completed. Target eliminated. Collateral damage: Maria Stark.”_

(“Young Stark heir left orphaned after terrible car accident on December 16th.”)

Its own voice, but different. “ _No, you can’t! He’s my— You can’t make me do this, I refuse to—_ ”

Its own voice, breaking. “ _Please._ ”

Its own will, breaking.

Because no matter how many times it repeats his serial number, his unit and name, how often it pleads for Stevie to come and save him, Bucky always breaks.

And the Asset is all that’s left.

 

The Asset remembers.

It wishes it didn’t.

 

It stumbles out of a back alley and under a street light.

Holds its hands close to its face.

_Looks_ at them.

Tries to see the blood it _knows_ clings to them, the damage and deaths, but there’s only scrapes and small cuts, burns from the explosions.

Not the dripping nightmares it expected.

Not the ghosts of innocents.

 

The Asset doesn’t sleep that night.

 

The Asset is a monster.

The Asset is James Buchanan Barnes, and it was a member of the Howling Commandoes, fought in World War Two.

James Buchanan Barnes is a hero, or at least that’s what the plaque at the museum says.

Another plaque says that many of the displayed artifacts and memorabilia are part of the Stark legacy.

 

And the Asset thinks it knows what to do next.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i definitely plan on continuing this, since i'm now using it as a procrastination method, sooo...
> 
> hope you liked it so far :)


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